Mate Corner

So, it’s been two weeks (more or less, I am terrible with specifics. The good thing about having our anniversary on the 1st of each month is that it’s impossible to forget!) since Alex and I moved in together. It is going great and the best thing(s?) without a doubt is falling asleep with her everynight and waking up with her every morning. Another good thing is that she now has two weeks off work before going into another role so that means lots of cuddling up on the sofa, cooking lovely meals, having mini adventures around London and sexy times. The bad thing of course, with too much sexy time, is that I now have friction burns and am out of action for the next few days, putting on a brave face but inside screaming with the panic that I will never feel pleasure again.

I am not going to lie to you and say that we have a relationship without arguments. On the contrary. We are possibly the most schizophrenic couple with our changeable and slapstick behaviour that is reminiscent of school yard tactics of giving the girl or boy you fancy a dead leg or cauliflower ear, bully! I personally have a rather cruel joy in jumping out on people at the most unsuspecting moments which is why I now have a bruise the size of a 50 pence piece on my groin. Alex was carrying cereal bowls into the kitchen, I jumped from behind a door and shouted “Boo” and then felt like I had been kicked by a horse. I’m not ashamed to say that I cried. We have also bickered about food. Alex takes my food up to me in bed but when I cooked her a bacon sandwich she came downstairs so I said “It will be ready in a minute!” She took this as “It will be ready in a minute, my sweet fair maiden, do please thus put your pleasant physique back in to thine fine bed of feathers and clouds and sunshine flowers upstairs so I shalt bestow on you this most succulent of bacon sandwiches.” which is NOT what I said at all! She then told me she was going upstairs to brush her teeth, which I took as “I will be back down in a minute.” which is not what she said either….

Her cup of tea went cold.

Her sandwich went cold.

I got grumpy.

She was waiting expectantly in bed.

I stomped upstairs to ask why she hadn’t come down. She asked why hadn’t I brought up two scolding hot cups of tea and two plates of bacon sandwiches. I questioned her eye sight and whether she saw four arms on me instead of two. She threatened to throw her sandwich in the bin. I said do as you please. She microwaved it because it was “ruined” and ironically ate it after having it zapped with radioactive cells.

There is also my forgetfulness which makes me feel very terrible indeed. Yesterday we were meant to go see an ice hockey game after I finished work. It was a busy shift and my mind was blank as to what I had to do in the evening. To rub it in I thoughtlessly had a drink and chat with my work mates when we had finished before heading home to see Alex looking beautiful yet pissed off. She coldly gave me a hug and explained we had missed the game. She then asked if we were going to the zoo the next day and I had to tell her I had a wine tasting course at work. This was followed by me crying and saying I am a horrible person to be with and was very sorry. I hate letting her down. She’s my everything.

We are also a very competitive couple. Alex loves to win everything and be the best at everything. She was in all of her sports teams at school and was known for chipping ankle bones and nearly blinding a friend of hers by booting the ball in her face. I meanwhile, am a far more docile yet sly kettle of fish. I do not particularly care about winning, merely beating the people who are smug with their constant success. So games like Buzz on the playstation are more of an all out war. Play fights also tend to go too far, nearly always with Alex winning. She has good moves like bending my fingers backwards and putting my hand into a vice like lock then cracking all of my unwilling knuckles.

Our relationship is coming up to it’s ninth month but we dated exclusively for a few months before that. We both love reminiscing on the first time we met. She says the world stopped the first time she saw me under the spotlight. No, I wasn’t on stage singing Shirley Basey songs, I was just well placed in a darkly lit bar. I remember our first shy conversation and the way my words got all tongue tied in my mouth because she was stroking my inner leg and staring at me intensely. Alex is not usually like that with people. Her past relationships were a sucession of people asking her out, her shrugging and saying “O.K” and then it not really going anywhere because she wasn’t really interested. Our first kiss was amazing and we hated leaving each other so instead text and rang each other constantly. I couldn’t believe my luck. In this day and age it is very hard to walk into a bar and meet the person you will fall in love with and want to stay with to the extent you can’t imaging them not being around.

Recently she met my family and they love her. She is very good at first impressions with people, is very vocal, polite yet cheeky and to put in a cliche “can charm the birds off the trees.” My friend says she has “The X Factor” and I would agree. I meanwhile, am more introverted but have been told I have impeccable manners and make a good host when meeting new people. I love our differences as a couple. It makes us work.

Now going to make my love some breakfast. Ta ta.