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Archive for » 2010 «
31
Dec 2010
31
Dec 2010
Greetings from the cosy confines of my duvet – yes, for the first time in a long time, we won’t be doing anything for New Years as I’m sick with some flu-ey type thing that seems to be doing the rounds. Thank you for all of your lovely congratulations messages – I’m grinning from ear to ear about our engagement although it’s been tempered by the fact that a family member is really unwell in hospital. A very bittersweet time.
I want to thank you all for being a part of my life journey and taking the time to read my thoughts on relationships and self-esteem. Your support means a lot and I’m humbled that I’ve been able to be a part of your own journeys and that what I share with you here is helping you have better self-esteem and more positive relationships.
Life is an ongoing journey and you never stop learning, with the same situations being thrown at you until you heed those lessons.
We only get one ride through this life so we should be conscientious in who we choose to make our journey with, especially when they detract from us, hold us back, or take us down a rather shady path. Ultimately, we’re all in charge of ourselves, even if it feels like others are behind the wheel – they’re not, you’re just taking a bit of a hands off approach. When we own our choices, both good and bad, we’re no longer powerless and are in a position to seek alternative solutions and take action because we realise that if we wait around for others, not much is going to be happening. We’ve got to focus our efforts on what we can control – US.
My lessons this year have mostly revolved around family (I had to stand firm about my boundaries which meant my mother and I didn’t speak for most of 2010 although Christmas and the engagement has brought a ‘thaw’) and work (I’ve been overwhelmed and very time poor and have had to make uncomfortable decisions and realisations and also set boundaries and expectations with others). One of the things I realise, is that much like in painful times gone by, while it would be ‘easier’ for me to learn without feeling the pain, the experiences and being honest with myself has been 100% worthwhile.
There are no shortcuts.
We want to do the same thing time and again and generate a different result instead of getting uncomfortable, we want to be the exception, we want to love without limits and not have those limits busted. We want to date someone else to feel better about the rejection from another, and we want to numb the pain by immersing ourselves in another relationship or in Other People’s Problems. We want the solution to lie in someone else’s hands, we want it to be someone else’s fault, and we want to attach ourselves to people who are not capable of giving us what we want and somehow magic up a prince or princess and live happily ever after. We want to be cautious, withheld, distant, afraid of being vulnerable, distrusting, fearful, and basically emotionally unavailable and have someone else come along and prove themselves to us so that we can think it’s worthwhile to be different. We want to choose someone based on looks and how much our libido fizzes and then for the values, qualities, and characteristics that we think we need for a relationship to be automatically there. We want to either love without risk or take a punt on a three-legged horse and love and trust blindly.
There is no shortcut. You’ve got to start loving and liking yourself instead of looking for others to fill you up and challenge the very beliefs that are governing your relationship patterns anyway. You’ve got to address your beliefs and how they tie into how you see relationships, love, and yourself, you’ve got to be prepared to go on a Bullshit Diet and be honest with yourself instead of living in lies, and you’ve got to be emotionally available.
You can be and do all of these things. Within each and every one of you is the power to address these things and be different and start living and feeling the life that you want to live. I’m not saying it’s easy but actually it’s a damn sight better and easier than continuing to resist and avoid getting uncomfortable. You know the deal by now – you can keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, but that would be insanity. You also have a back history of experience to draw from that shows that it doesn’t work. If you can’t date or have a relationship without being able to love, trust, respect, and care for yourself with healthy boundaries, always choose you; don’t choose them. Don’t sell yourself short.
There are people finding love at all ages all the time. Someone I know who is in her fifties, divorced, three kids told me recently she could easily have given up especially after the guy she met on dating site didn’t work out and the next load were all imbeciles, but she decided she had nothing to lose by trying again. Eighteen months on, she’s very happy with someone else she met online. I’m no fan of dating sites but I know of a lot of men and women like her that take care of their emotional wellbeing, back away from inappropriate situations, and are prepared to take their time and get on with enjoying their lives in the meantime. Their lives are rounded and they derive their happiness from various sources. The difference – they believe there is healthy love out there for them somewhere in spite of any painful past experiences and they’re prepared to keep learning and take action.
I’ll be back from Monday. Lots of good things to come. I’ll be in New York for workshops from the 31st January with more dates and cities to be announced, and after basically having to rewrite a shorter version (I felt the hard copy was a bit chunky), Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl will be available on Amazon from around the 3rd week of Jan, plus there are some overdue books on the way out and lots more.
Wishing you all much love, light, and happiness. See you in 2011.
love Nat/NML x
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Dec 2010
“Unconditional Love” is a song by Tupac Shakur, released as the second posthumous single from his Greatest Hits album. Changes being the first, “Changes” and “Unconditional Love” were both made into videos. The CD single is very rare and, as many other Tupac Shakur CD and Vinyl singles, it is known as a collection item among fans. It was never officially released in an uncensored version. The song was originally written for MC Hammer by 2Pac (who were both friends) to revitalise his image when he signed to Death Row. However, 2Pac ended up recording it himself before giving the song to MC Hammer to record. Hammer’s version was first released on “Family Affair (MC Hammer album)” in 1998. According to the “Family Affair” album insert, “Unconditional Love” lyrics were written and arranged by Tupac Shakur (and Johnny Jackson on MC Hammer’s version). MC Hammer wrote this about the song: “This song was given to me as a gift from the late Tupac Shakur. He told me this was a song about how true love is unconditional. He wanted me to rap it because it reflected what I stand for. The secret is this is also what he stood for. More details in time. Maybe a chat about it. We know that our Bible says that God’s love is unconditional. Thank you Tupac for this beautiful, spiritual song.” Hammer would later go on to mention his friendship with Tupac and the gift of this song to him in a TBN interview. The video for this song features a 2Pac look-a-like recording the song in the studio.
31
Dec 2010
Learn about the worldwide mobilization of women and men who have lost children to abortion and testify to its pain as well as to the healing power of Jesus Christ. Learn how you can be involved in the Silent No More Awareness Campaign.
31
Dec 2010
Chaos Theory
Friday: The Last Day of the Year
Will you be making the world a better place today?
Now, I don’t plan on going weird on you, or beg for money for the starving and uneducated masses of children in the world.
But carry this thought with you today, even as you plan out your New Year’s resolutions; that is, if there is something about you that is broken and needs fixing.
Every one of us has the power to make a positive influence on someone else’s life and there are times when this is a better thing to do, and as a bonus, it carries with it points for self-improvement too.
So when someone asks you what your New Year’s resolution is, say to them “I’m going to make the world a better place”.
Examples of this would be:
- Holding a door open for a stranger
- Helping an elderly man or woman to cross the street, hold an elavator for them
- Being friendly and cordial in long lineups at the cashier when getting groceries or any other lineup
Small changes can bring big results, just as in “Chaos Theory”.
For your headline today stand out from the crowd and post as your healine:
“I hope to make the world a better place”.
Have a great day!
31
Dec 2010
Real live stories of real people who had real experience in a Russian-Western marriage.
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31
Dec 2010
The mission of Always Sisters, Forever Brothers is to educate, motivate and re-direct the life choices of our teens and young women and men. The 2009 conference agenda includes a variety of issues—from date violence to teen pregnancy, eating disorders to absent fathers, and how certain choices affect the lives of all. This year we are privileged to have Pastor Jentezen Franklin, Nancy Alcorn, Kimberly Daniels, Mary, Mary, DaT.RUTH, and many others who will come and share with us. Come join us as we explore Gods plan to empower you to Walk in Authority, and address challenging issues that can hinder your walk.
31
Dec 2010
Well…it’s good to be back after taking a bit of a break for Christmas. I have some exciting news (no I’m not pregnant) – the boyf proposed on Christmas morning (yay) but I’ll have to talk about that some more another time! I promise!
*****
This time of year often brings a lot of introspection. We’re moving from one year into a new one, a fresh year and we’re likely to reflect on the year that’s gone by, the highs, the lows, and any changes that we know we should make but haven’t yet. What can be particularly tough is realising that something hasn’t changed from one year to the next or that when you do the maths on the year, you may have spent more time being unhappy/frustrated with something than you’ve actually spent living and enjoying. One thing I recognise from my own experiences is that focus is key and that distraction can be a major obstacle not only to that focus but actually getting closer to doing and experiencing the necessary action.
I’ve often spoken about relationship insanity which is carrying the same baggage, beliefs, and behaviours, choosing the same people different package and then expecting different results. That same insanity can be applied to work, or really any aspect of your life where you repeat a pattern but still end up wondering why a different outcome isn’t resulting.
Clearly in spite of often knowing exactly what it is that we need to do to bring about a different, better, more positive outcome, we still persist in throwing ourselves in the front line of pain.
How and why do we do this?
We distract ourselves and it’s because aside from focusing on something that appears to be less painful or uncomfortable, it can also ‘protect’ us from experiencing feelings that we’re working very hard to avoid.
Want to know a key reason why we go back to people who create pain for us and/or have rejected us?
Because it distracts us from having to feel whatever we’re trying to avoid – rejection, abandonment, pain, loneliness and the list goes on. Rejection is a primary fear and for those of you who have chased after someone after you’ve broken up or have even broken No Contact, it’s because accepting or making successful contact, even if it’s short-term, stems that annoying, pervasive feeling of rejection that we don’t want hanging around for too long, plus just working your way through the pain of losing the relationship or the love you thought you had or would have is pretty difficult, albeit necessary in itself. Of course what can then happen after you seek out the source of your pain is that you end up having a sense of self-loathing when you see the situation for what it is or even experience more rejection and have to grieve the loss of the relationship again, so you try to go back to them or even try to date someone else, or spend your time online collecting attention on dating sites.
Another common distraction is Other People’s Problems. It’s easier to absorb yourself in someone’s shortcomings, the changes you think they need to achieve to benefit themselves/your relationship, or all the ‘wrong’s you think that have created the demise of the relationship and the ability for your love to be properly received.
But really, focusing on fixing/healing/helping or even playing armchair psychologist and ‘diagnosing’ them is a distraction from you.
When we persist in uncomfortable or downright painful situations with people who cannot or will not love or treat you with respect, you distract yourself by pursuing answers to the wrong questions:
Why won’t they change?
Why don’t they want/love me?
Why do they behave in this way?
Why do they choose him/her?
How can I get them to be and do what I want/need?
These are all interesting and some are even, to an extent, valid questions for shedding light on you but the majority of your time and effort should be spent answering this question:
Why, if someone is behaving in this manner are you still there putting up with it or claiming that you’ll never get over them?
If you’re not focusing the bulk of your efforts answering this question and taking appropriate action, you are distracted with looking for solutions in things and people that are out of your control. Your mentality and physical effort (that’s if you’re taking any action) are distracted.
Looking at it in a wider sense, when I want to dodge getting uncomfortable with work stuff, maybe out of confidence issues, I’ll immerse myself in numerous less important tasks, or get caught up in sorting out stuff in the house, or throw myself into getting distracted with the girls. I know this now after going through the pains of work insanity and have had to get really uncomfortable so that I can focus instead of distancing myself from whatever anxiety I’m feeling.
There is a pattern to your distraction and if you want to experience change in 2011 and beyond, or actually even in the last day of the year, it’s quitting the insanity of repeatedly thinking and doing the same stuff and not letting yourself get distracted. It’s pretty exhausting work trying to avoid yourself or the changes you need to make and it’s time to recognise why it’s important to feel what you’ve gotta feel and start doing what you’ve gotta do – avoidance is a key part of being emotionally unavailable and if you’re serious about being personally happy and even getting into a healthy, loving relationship, getting in touch with you and feeling whatever you feel, good, bad, or indifferent is pivotal to being emotionally available.
Tackle and eliminate your distractions by having a honest conversation with yourself, getting familiar with your pattern and more importantly, not giving in to the impulse, the habit to do what you normally do. You can spend all the time in the world being distracted by their problems or immersing yourself in stuff that kills time or makes it easier for you to blame your lack of action on. You’ll still eventually need to take the focus off them or bring it back to you.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
Image Credit: Jenny Rollo