Say hello to Olesya B, a cutie from the gallery of Met Art (NSFW). You can see more, much more, of Olesya here.
Olesya B
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Do you flip a coin?
When life changes for you and you’re suddenly single life can become a little daunting.
Can you remember when you last had a “date” as a single person? (You don’t get to count those long ago “date nights” as dates anymore!)
Luckily the Internet offers a lot of potential singles to meet, of every type and size. Choose your online dating service carefully and you’ll do well. Do not turn your online dating experience into a “shopping cart” style of dating opportunity.
If you give people the chnage they can amaze you, so a match of better than 50% might just be the right fit for you. That is, if you feel that a polar opposite ins’t what you’re looking for, even if “opposites do attract”.
For your online personal ad headline give this one a try:
“Better than flipping a coin, right?”
Have a great day!
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I’ve been away for a few weeks, enjoying life and living large.
Or more aptly, ducking work, sleeping in and eating pizza when I could afford it.
Life has it’s own idea of how you’re supposed to live it…. and you continue on the best you can.
So, boys and girls, let’s get back to dating and the related intricacies that I can help you surpass.
PS. Thanks Alex!
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Over the past few months, I’ve heard from a number of readers who have done all manner of things in the name of ‘winning’ what they feel is a race to ‘get’ a particular person. When asked why they had sex before they really wanted to, or agreed to take part in a sexual act that left them feeling degraded or even abused, or why they are ever accommodating and jump to it for every call/text/email no matter what time of night, why they provide a shoulder to lean on, money, job references (I kid you not), Powerpoint presentations (I kid you not), tidying, cooking and the list goes on, all reasons lead back to:
Because they felt that it would help them ‘win’.
Many people spend their time and energies doing things that they’re patently uncomfortable with, not because they genuinely want to and it’s reflective of their values, but because they’re convinced and afraid that if they don’t, they’ll ‘lose’. They’re losing anyway.
There’s also a common misconception that if you don’t do what someone expects or asks of you, whether it’s directly through words or via coercive or even passive aggressive action, that they will find someone else, because they would have remained with you if only you’d done it.
This is an illusion. What you need to actually focus on is the fact that they will find someone else to do what you don’t actually want to do (and will feel crappy about after doing) anyway.
You have to ask yourself how quickly will you sell you out? How quickly will you step up to the crap table and gamble yourself on the off chance that someone who would put you in the position of having to consider engaging in jackassary might make you their #1 and the exception to their rule of behaviour?
Of course you may argue that at the time when you gambled, you were convinced that if you just did this particular thing then you would win, but as anyone who has ever found themselves being blackmailed can attest to, once you agree to pay up, they just keep coming back, pushing the boundaries and increasing the threats. In the case of the person who you sell yourself short for, once you do it, they’ll only be too happy to flog you long time.
This fear that if you don’t drop your knickers, take the phone call from the person who has mucked you around time and again, sext with people you met on dating sites a few hours before, agree to text and never expect a phone call or to meet up, respond after they’ve disappeared, wait for people to leave their spouses/partners, be indispensable, take someone back repeatedly, hand over your money, believe their lies, and learn to ‘go with the flow’, that you will lose, is like self mind-f*ckery.
Just like fear means it’s not happening, if you genuinely fear that they’ll be offski if you don’t acquiesce or jump on their requests like an eager beaver intern, it means that whatever idea you have for a relationship isn’t happening or going to happen either.
How can it? In that moment, you’ve handed over your power and you’ll have a fear mentality for the rest of your involvement – it’s just no way to live.
If you feel that you have to do what you don’t want to do in order to remain with someone or just be in with having a shot at being with them, the topline data communicates that either your relationship is insecure and unhealthy, or that you’re too willing to compromise yourself while dating, for something that you don’t have or never had. It also tells you that you’re willing to do stuff that busts your boundaries if you think you’re within a hop, skip and a jump of getting the relationship you want.
That’s not a ‘competitive edge’ – it’s desperation, which is never sexy never mind part of any winning ‘strategy’. The fruits of desperation never feel good, even after the ‘win’, which means the winning feeling doesn’t last long.
I’ve heard from people who are so desperate for the next person to be ‘the one’ and to avoid being alone or having to go through the discovery phase of dating, that they will gamble and come up with every plausible excuse under the sun for why they’re doing so. Then weeks or months later, they’re in terrible pain over the realisation that they made a bad bet and that actually, yeah it might have been a pain in the arse to admit that it was a no-go a few weeks or months back, but it would have been far less of a pain than the regret they feel now that some time has elapsed and the very things they recognised and chose to ignore, have backfired.
If you’re doing any of this shite, you’re losing anyway. You’re losing you for a start – your sense of self, pride, values, boundaries, self-trust, self-care, self-respect, and self-love. Let me tell you now, I’m yet to come across one person who has said “You know what Natalie – it was totally worth it to screw myself over and lose my dignity in the name of ‘love’.”
I mean seriously, what kind of prize could you possibly be winning by doing things, not because you want to, but to compete to get someone who really just isn’t that special?
What have they done for you lately? Breathed? Dangled a future at you? Given you an orgasm? Yeah…it’s still not worth it.
It’s time to lose this competitive spirit that is actually blowing smoke up their arses and pumping them up, letting them believe that they’re more special than they actually are.
When you contemplate doing something with a view to ‘winning’, you know it’s time for you to step back as you’re being blinded by your ego. If you’re going to ‘lose’ because you don’t shag them before you’re comfortable doing so or whatever, go ahead and ‘lose’, because you will gain far more out of standing by you. That and the person who if they can’t bust up your boundaries will just go ahead and find someone else to bust their boundaries, was never worth the energy of holding onto and attempting to raise them from the ground up while teaching them your value. They’ll know your value – when you won’t participate in what they’re offering.
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Van Halen – "Women in Love" Louisville, KY 2-18-2012 LIVE A 2012 opening night quick pull and shoot in Louisville of a rare Van Halen classic that hasn't been played since 1980.
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Why are there not more women in the Atheist community? In this video we examine this very important topic before ultimately just blaming everything on men. Women will love it… trust me. Join me @ www.Facebook.com/CultofDusty or on the Fan Run group @ www.Facebook.com/groups/CultofDusty
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Every day I hear stories of people who are completely overwhelmed by rejection or repeatedly throwing themselves under the same rejection bus because they don’t want to deal with the pain of accepting someone’s choice in another person or their treatment of them. They think they can make one or a number of rejections right by trying to get this person to validate them and unfortunately end up experiencing even more pain.
Next thing you know, they’re chasing them down with a text (like lazy chasing though…), turning up on their doorstep, patrolling Facebook to monitor for any vague reference about them on their ex’s profile, trying to orchestrate opportunities to tell them all about themselves, questioning mutual friends and acquaintances to find out what has been said and then losing their minds over it, or even staying home all the time because they fear that ‘everyone’ knows ‘about them’.
I’m sure you’ve witnessed an incident of a celebrity, individual or business seek a correction from a newspaper or other media outlet. They do this because they believe that something that was factually incorrect or that created an image that creates a false and possibly negative perception of them has been published into the public domain. While of course there are a portion of people who won’t believe what was published or even hold the false perception, they seek the retraction and even sue for damages because they believe that there has been tangible damage for any people who do believe. It may cost them credibility, cause problems with their family and friends, affect the brand or even company profits.
When you participate in unavailable relationships, it’s like you’re seeking validation in order to gain an overall retraction that would right the wrongs of the past, or if you keep going back in no matter how crappy a capacity to a poor or even non-existent relationship, you’re trying to get them to retract the rejection.
It’s you who needs to retract your own rejection.
The universe or even a great deal all of people, are not aware of any perceptions you have about you, or that your exes, family etc have about you. Even when you think you’re putting across certain things about yourself, this can be interpreted as something else entirely, which only further cements the reality that you cannot control the uncontrollable.
You seeking a retraction from one person is like anointing them as the validation messiah. The fact that this person is neither influential (they cannot make you into who you think you should be) nor important nor that special that you should anoint them with this special status, seems to have passed you by.
This retraction you’re seeking is not going to cause the heavens to open, angels to sing, and for the presses around the world to whirr into emergency action as they notify ‘everyone’ of the ‘correction’. No announcement will go out, no billboards, no nothing. On top of this, if it’s anything like your typical correction in a newspaper, it will be the equivalent of a postage stamp sized space wedged in between a whole load of other stuff. Yes you’ll know it’s there, yes you will have achieved your aim, but it’s really all for your own ego and if your purpose is to assuage your ego, you’ll actually be better off doing it yourself. At least a newspaper might pay you some damages. As many people can attest to, often after getting the holy grail of apologies, or telling them about themselves, or even ‘winning’ them back, it’s a major anticlimax.
I sought a ‘retraction’ from my ex fiance. I’d phone him up and ask him why he hadn’t been in touch with me, tie myself up in knots about the lies he might be thinking and even worse, the lies I knew he was spreading – he told people that we’d broken up because I wanted to move away to America. Obviously it was embarrassing for him when I kept bumping into these people in the street…in London…
What are you going to do? Jedi mind tricks? Perform a lobotomy on them? Hold them hostage and force them to change their version of events? Bombard them with your wonderfulness? Take out an ad? Stalk Facebook and their friends? Hang on in there being nice while they engage in open and shut cases of assholery just so you can prove that you’re the bigger person?
Just like I know that I hadn’t moved away to another country and that while I had my own issues, I was certainly not to blame for the entire failure of the relationship hence I couldn’t take the end of the relationship as a rejection of me, you are more than capable of figuring out what’s what and telling yourself the truth. That and half the time, all of these other people who we worry are going to be affected don’t even matter. These people will soon figure out the truth when your ex keeps claiming that Yet Another Ex is a “psycho” or “too demanding” or trotting out the same reason for each breakup.
They’re going to think what they want to think no matter what you do, so the best thing that you can do is not give away all of your power and make their lies into a reality, even if it’s by the sheer impact of giving so much energy to their lies that you internalise them and change how you feel about you.
Don’t use ‘rejection’ to make judgements about you, not least because if you’d go to the trouble of taking on the entire blame for something, you’ve already distorted it and thrown away all of your power in that moment.
You have better things to do than crawl inside their mind. You could focus on trying to force them to change their mind, but really, if you’re that bothered, you’ve already made a judgement about yourself and it’s actually your own mind that you need to change.
You don’t need to wait for them to change their mind, for you to change your mind.
You’re not Siamese twins or linked on an influence index. You managed to survive on this planet for however many years before they came along – there’s no way in hell that you should hand over the rights to your identity.
Unlike people who court the media, you have way more control over your image than you give yourself credit for. You cannot control everyone else’s minds – people like thinking about themselves! Also, often, what you’re trying to get them to retract is your own perception of you – I know I’m not the only person who has corrected an ex, only to get the blank stare or the ‘What the fricking what now?’ reaction.
Stop giving away all of your power and putting it all on Mr/Miss Unavailable or whoever to ‘retract’ the rejection.
I’ve retracted the hell out of all of my rejections through action in my own life and ultimately, they were blessings in disguise, with them often doing what I wasn’t able to do for myself – get the hell out of dodge and admit my mistakes. Leave them to their own devices and close the door on anyone who doesn’t want to add to your life so that you can open the door to someone that does.
Your thoughts?
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This dating advice for women blog is an interview with one of our awesome professional Love Mentors®, Susan Kalinowski, LCSW. Susan is a highly experienced Love Mentor® who has been extensively trained and supervised in our approach. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Board Certified Diplomate specializing in couples counseling, relationship issues, communication, pre-marital counseling and helping individuals and couples find personal fulfillment. Susan lives in the Philadelphia area with her wonderful husband of many years. Now here is an interview with Susan on how to Find Your Confident, Empowered Diamond Self.
What do you mean by Finding Your Diamond Self?
Each of us has something wonderful in our make-up, something that makes us shine. We call that your Diamond Self. Start by finding that something in those around you, at work, at your health club, among your neighbors, even among your family members. It is often easier to see their great characteristics before you see your own. This one has a great sense of humor, this one is athletic, this one has a gift for conversation, that one is sooo smart. If you don’t see a sparkle of fabulous in others then dig and find it because once you get proficient at that skill you can turn it on yourself.
How does that translate into your work as a Love Mentor?
If you see your own beauty you might give yourself a break and start to speak and act from your truth, from your core. I have found that once people reach that level of self-appreciation, they can find a partner.
Once the beauty you are on the inside is given support and permission to express herself (or himself) , all sorts of attractive things bubble to the surface. You need less armor for defensive protection. More and more of you shows and glows. You find yourself naturally defending your right to have great things because you know you deserve to have them. You speak and you are your truth. That is very attractive.
News Flash: Tune into dating & relationship coach Susan as she is interviewed on dating advice for women–how to become find your Diamond Self on our Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on February 21! (And archived thereafter!) To listen,Click Here!
Is that difficult for people, to find their sparkle and true voice?
At first, I find many of those I mentor are afraid of that inner person for a number of reasons. She has been given messages over the years that hiding is safer. It could be she was criticized or abandoned when she was outspoken and exuberant, maybe she was criticized and abandoned even for just being. Perhaps she was even abused. Somehow she got the message that she could not be who she truly was. Sometimes she even disappeared her own feelings altogether– becoming numb and unaware. Sometimes she became brassy or crusty, promiscuous or turned to addiction to protect the vulnerability. Sometimes she is the very good helpful girl who tries to please. Regardless, the notion that she was wonderful simply for having been born, for breathing, for existing was not internalized. She learned parts or all of her essence needed to take a back seat.
How can someone begin to value himself or herself after being molded or scarred?
It can take some work! I do an exercise I call “chocolate cake.” I have someone imagine their favorite dessert and describe it to me. There is a sensuous and adoring quality to what comes out of their mouths. You can feel the power of that crème brulee or Vanilla Swiss Almond ice cream. Now I have the person imagine they are in a social situation and that they are that incredible desirable alluring satisfying dessert just sitting there on the counter. With their eyes closed on SKYPE I can see the transformation of the person imagining the dessert. There is a smile, a confidence, a self-prizing look, the cat that swallowed the canary. A place where you toss your head and raise your eyebrows as if to say…”Mmmmmm I am delicious…: A sensuality naturally exists in all of us that has a chance to emerge just thinking you are the dessert.
As you work on the Diamond self exercises in Dr D’s books or with a mentor you gradually get more conscious of how you stifle you. As you own the you you lost, great things happen.
News Flash: Tune into dating & relationship coach Susan as she is interviewed on dating advice for women–how to become find your Diamond Self on our Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on February 21! (And archived thereafter!) To listen,Click Here!
What sorts of things do you see?
A person’s Boundaries improve: More and more often you say no to things that don’t work for you or say yes and reach for those things that do.
You learn that hiding less is strong, not weak. For example, telling someone you care, may feel at first like exposing yourself to potential rejection; however gradually it becomes a means to a deeper, more honest and fulfilling relationship with someone who is into you and a brave person as well.
Intimacy potential (and actuality) increases with others
There is less need for drama because you are not holding things in trying to be who you are not. With less drama you can fight cleanly (and connect better with another) or walk away knowing why and move on swiftly because you know you did not contaminate things, you just said your piece in peace.
Your healing continues to accelerate once you find a partner who loves the real you.
A relationship can grow from a firmer foundation. That person who does not leave and even delights in the you who you thought was hideous flawed, weak, unforgiveable etc, is a treasure of immeasurable worth. (this also gives the partner permission to let you see his “warts” and grow from your acceptance and love)
Wow this sounds great! Is there more?
Yes ! Friendships and family relationships improve because you can express your happiness for someone even when you are feeling vulnerable ie. : “I am so glad you got that great job and your career is taking off and, though I must confess I worry that you will forget all about me when you move across country etc.”
There is less and less false advertising on the dating front. You are likely to end up with someone who is a “fit” much more quickly. What they see is what they get from the beginning, no surprises. You save time being the real you.
You have more fun. When you are more comfortable with you, so are other people. The positive energy loop becomes better and better. You are relaxed, your best self and lighter…more spontaneous and humorous, freer and in the moment. This is attractive, drawing others to you (including men).
When people know their own “good time” they shine and are irresistible.
You are kinder and gentler because you don’t take yourself so seriously. The internal task-master has less power over you. You have less harsh judgments of yourself and others. This is attractive and attracting as well.
This is amazing; is it difficult for people to achieve?
It takes courage in the beginning for sure. I have had discussions about intimacy and how exposed people feel when they are spending more and more time with a lover. Worries about teeth, hair, weight, cellulite, passing gas, etc. are opportunities for humor and fun when your partner knows your insecurities and delights in you in all your glory. The more practice with facing your supposed flaws and exposing them the easier and more relaxed you become.
There is also less guilt in your life because you can own your words and actions. Apologies are easier and assertiveness is easier; so there is less “I should haves or I shouldn’t haves” pushing those guilt buttons.
Let me share one of my mentee’s journeys with you: Sarah and I began speaking after she left her marriage of many years. She was lovely and didn’t think so. Her ex had been controlling and demanding sexual things with which she was not comfortable. Though she was successful in her career as a nurse she did not transfer the power (she was smart and respected and promoted) to her personal life. She had ended the marriage without telling her ex her truth. She began dating and gradually it became apparent that she was choosing guys who were not her equal and she was behaving seductively early on. Gradually she shared that she had always been praised for being “the Good child that I never worry about” by her overwhelmed mother and ineffective father. Her one sibling had MS and her other had considerable mental health issues. If Sarah was not good and functioning and getting good grades she received no rewards. She disappeared unless she was supergirl. Hence she never got to be just herself. She also put a lot of pressure on herself to please others both at work and in relationships. She did not give herself permission to say no, or to put herself first in a healthy way. She revealed she had poor body image issues and mild self-mutilation for her perceived lack of self worth. She did not think she was attractive and valued and desirable for just being. Over time working on her Diamond self she stopped seeing Duds and allowed a relationship with a very nice man. She was plagued by doubt and sure he did not desire her. No matter how loving he was she would withdraw and be moody and wary of trust. With coaching and his steadfast love she slowly gained confidence. She finally told him many of the things she was ashamed of and those things she longed for. He loved her all the more. She began to experience herself as lovable at all times not just when she was trying to say or do what she thought would be acceptable and praiseworthy. They got married (she was 15 lbs heavier than when they had met and she was light-years lighter emotionally). She was blissfully happy and had found deeper love of her core self. When she had spoken up she had become her own champion and this set her free.
Thank you for sharing that story. Do you have any closing pearls of wisdom?
The goal is relaxing into joy. It can set you free if you keep your sights and your work focused on it. In general think about the people you know who have an easy, real self-acceptance. Watch them in action when there is someone who they find attractive. Usually all they have to do is smile with their eyes and the message is sent to the other. They have the awareness that they are ready and willing and able to deliver. When that message is received by the other who also has that awareness of self there is an opportunity for the beginning of a beautiful easy joyful relationship.
Thank you, Susan! You can get your own one-on-one free 40 minute Love Mentoring® Session with Susan by phone or Skype! Just click here & fill out the form, requesting Susan. Hurry–her time will fill up quickly!
“Finding Your Diamond Self: Confident & Empowered” -The dating advice for women interview with Love Mentor® Tamara Green
DATE: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 TIME: 5:00 pm Pacific/8:00pm Eastern for one hour
COST: No charge JOIN US LIVE VIA: Telephone, Skype, and Replay Access-Click Here For Details
In this free dating advice for women seminar you will discover . . .
Thank you again, Susan, for your wise words and dating advice for women. If you would like a free 40-minute love mentoring session by phone or Skype with Susan, click hereor go to www.lovein90days.com/coaching and ask for Susanon the form. For more information about this and future Love Mentoring® Seminars please visit-
http://www.lovementoring.com
Wishing you love,
Dr. Diana
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love and dating for over 50s. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.
I hope you got a chance to watch my first episode from my newest web series, “Top Secrets for Lasting, Passionate Love” released just last week! We discussed the importance of reinventing that closeness, that connection, that “in-love” feeling you have with your partner.
If you missed it, you can watch the first episode here.
Today, we’re releasing the second episode of this three-part series. In episode 2, we’ll talk about showing appreciation and gratitude… learn the secrets of making your partner feel special!
Here’s an idea: Grab your most special pictures, pick your favorite song, and create a lasting, memorable video for your partner. This is such a beautiful gift, and it’s something they can hold on to for years to come – and so easy to do. My guest, Tom Clifton, co-founder of Animoto, will show you exactly how to do this in minutes with a free Animoto video.
I would love to see the videos you create! Post them to my Facebook page if you’d like to share.
Stayed tuned next week for our final episode.
Wishing you love,
Dr. Diana
P.S. Want to create a video for your loved one on Valentine’s Day? Sign up for Animoto Plus and get a free HD upgrade credit using the promo code “LoveInHD”. (expires 03/31)