Mate Corner

There are two main types of controlling behavior in a marriage relationship. There is aggressive control, which is outward and overt and then there is passive control which is more covert and hidden.

Let’s tackle the aggressive, active control first. What are the typical ways someone can actively try to control one’s spouse?

It can be either spouse that tries to control their spouse. The root cause underneath the control is fear and insecurity. The controlling person believes that if they can control others their world will be more ok. Unfortunately it does not work out that way. The net result is distance, distrust and killing feelings of love.

When Michael and Susan came into our office, Susan presented as a meek and mild mannered woman. She said that Michael was a bully and that she was afraid of him. We spent some time with Michael individually as well, and he did not have much to say about himself or Susan. He was pretty shut down. When we worked with them as a couple we saw the dynamic between the two of them in action. Michael was obviously walking on egg shells, trying not to upset Susan. He was very careful to not say anything that would upset her.

Soon Susan’s façade as the meek and mild mannered spouse crumbled away as she showed her true colors by using anger to control Michael.

We work with a lot of couples in our Marriage Counseling practice where one spouse uses anger in an attempt to control the other. This is not the main problem in their recovery. The main problem is when the angry spouse does not own that they have an anger problem. When we gently confronted Susan about her Anger problem she became highly defensive and blamed her anger on Michael’s behavior. According to Susan, she was merely reacting to Michael and was not taking responsibility for her choice to become angry.

Passive anger commonly referred to as “passive aggressive” behavior can be just as destructive as overt anger.

Michael knew that every time he would withdraw in a discussion it would drive Susan up the wall. He knew that not following through on commitments infuriated her. He knew that breaking promises pushed Susan’s hottest button. Most passive aggressive behavior is intentional, although a passive aggressive person can really come across as the “nice guy”.

The more passive Michael would be, the more aggressive Susan would become. It was a lose-lose situation. How can this cycle of controlling behavior be broken? Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge the first step is getting both spouse to see and acknowledge their behaviors. Although it is the truth that set’s us free, it is the truth about ourselves not the truth in general.

After Susan and Michael each saw their own behaviors in this light, they were ready for the next step.

The next step was for each of them to come up with baby steps that would eliminate their individual controlling behaviors.

Susan set a goal to give herself a timeout when she first started feeling angry. She also started jogging which helped her release a lot of the stress in her life.

Michael started journaling his feelings. This was a safe way for Michael to start feeling his feelings and expressing his feelings. He shared a lot of his journal with Susan. Michael learned how to confront Susan when she tried to control him with her anger by speaking up and saying “I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way”.

There are many steps that couples can take in learning how to stop trying to control each other. We have shown just a couple ideas about how to stop the unhealthy pattern and bring the two of you closer.

If you need more help, we recommend getting into effective Marriage Counseling which can help you regain the closeness you once had.

If you are interested in finding out more about our Marriage Counseling practice, you can find us on the web at www.MarriageRescue.org