Every day I hear stories of people who are completely overwhelmed by rejection or repeatedly throwing themselves under the same rejection bus because they don’t want to deal with the pain of accepting someone’s choice in another person or their treatment of them. They think they can make one or a number of rejections right by trying to get this person to validate them and unfortunately end up experiencing even more pain.
Next thing you know, they’re chasing them down with a text (like lazy chasing though…), turning up on their doorstep, patrolling Facebook to monitor for any vague reference about them on their ex’s profile, trying to orchestrate opportunities to tell them all about themselves, questioning mutual friends and acquaintances to find out what has been said and then losing their minds over it, or even staying home all the time because they fear that ‘everyone’ knows ‘about them’.
I’m sure you’ve witnessed an incident of a celebrity, individual or business seek a correction from a newspaper or other media outlet. They do this because they believe that something that was factually incorrect or that created an image that creates a false and possibly negative perception of them has been published into the public domain. While of course there are a portion of people who won’t believe what was published or even hold the false perception, they seek the retraction and even sue for damages because they believe that there has been tangible damage for any people who do believe. It may cost them credibility, cause problems with their family and friends, affect the brand or even company profits.
When you participate in unavailable relationships, it’s like you’re seeking validation in order to gain an overall retraction that would right the wrongs of the past, or if you keep going back in no matter how crappy a capacity to a poor or even non-existent relationship, you’re trying to get them to retract the rejection.
It’s you who needs to retract your own rejection.
The universe or even a great deal all of people, are not aware of any perceptions you have about you, or that your exes, family etc have about you. Even when you think you’re putting across certain things about yourself, this can be interpreted as something else entirely, which only further cements the reality that you cannot control the uncontrollable.
You seeking a retraction from one person is like anointing them as the validation messiah. The fact that this person is neither influential (they cannot make you into who you think you should be) nor important nor that special that you should anoint them with this special status, seems to have passed you by.
This retraction you’re seeking is not going to cause the heavens to open, angels to sing, and for the presses around the world to whirr into emergency action as they notify ‘everyone’ of the ‘correction’. No announcement will go out, no billboards, no nothing. On top of this, if it’s anything like your typical correction in a newspaper, it will be the equivalent of a postage stamp sized space wedged in between a whole load of other stuff. Yes you’ll know it’s there, yes you will have achieved your aim, but it’s really all for your own ego and if your purpose is to assuage your ego, you’ll actually be better off doing it yourself. At least a newspaper might pay you some damages. As many people can attest to, often after getting the holy grail of apologies, or telling them about themselves, or even ‘winning’ them back, it’s a major anticlimax.
I sought a ‘retraction’ from my ex fiance. I’d phone him up and ask him why he hadn’t been in touch with me, tie myself up in knots about the lies he might be thinking and even worse, the lies I knew he was spreading – he told people that we’d broken up because I wanted to move away to America. Obviously it was embarrassing for him when I kept bumping into these people in the street…in London…
What are you going to do? Jedi mind tricks? Perform a lobotomy on them? Hold them hostage and force them to change their version of events? Bombard them with your wonderfulness? Take out an ad? Stalk Facebook and their friends? Hang on in there being nice while they engage in open and shut cases of assholery just so you can prove that you’re the bigger person?
Just like I know that I hadn’t moved away to another country and that while I had my own issues, I was certainly not to blame for the entire failure of the relationship hence I couldn’t take the end of the relationship as a rejection of me, you are more than capable of figuring out what’s what and telling yourself the truth. That and half the time, all of these other people who we worry are going to be affected don’t even matter. These people will soon figure out the truth when your ex keeps claiming that Yet Another Ex is a “psycho” or “too demanding” or trotting out the same reason for each breakup.
They’re going to think what they want to think no matter what you do, so the best thing that you can do is not give away all of your power and make their lies into a reality, even if it’s by the sheer impact of giving so much energy to their lies that you internalise them and change how you feel about you.
Don’t use ‘rejection’ to make judgements about you, not least because if you’d go to the trouble of taking on the entire blame for something, you’ve already distorted it and thrown away all of your power in that moment.
You have better things to do than crawl inside their mind. You could focus on trying to force them to change their mind, but really, if you’re that bothered, you’ve already made a judgement about yourself and it’s actually your own mind that you need to change.
You don’t need to wait for them to change their mind, for you to change your mind.
You’re not Siamese twins or linked on an influence index. You managed to survive on this planet for however many years before they came along – there’s no way in hell that you should hand over the rights to your identity.
Unlike people who court the media, you have way more control over your image than you give yourself credit for. You cannot control everyone else’s minds – people like thinking about themselves! Also, often, what you’re trying to get them to retract is your own perception of you – I know I’m not the only person who has corrected an ex, only to get the blank stare or the ‘What the fricking what now?’ reaction.
Stop giving away all of your power and putting it all on Mr/Miss Unavailable or whoever to ‘retract’ the rejection.
I’ve retracted the hell out of all of my rejections through action in my own life and ultimately, they were blessings in disguise, with them often doing what I wasn’t able to do for myself – get the hell out of dodge and admit my mistakes. Leave them to their own devices and close the door on anyone who doesn’t want to add to your life so that you can open the door to someone that does.
Your thoughts?
I recognised recently that while of course the world has changed over the past seven years, what’s really changed in my life is that I look at things differently, namely me. Many of the people who were in my life back then are still in my life now, my parents are still crackerjacks, my childhood and my past are still the same, but I’ve evolved while still remaining me.
When I listen to people explain their frustrations with dating or how they’re feeling rejected after a possible date didn’t materialise, or not getting past a date or few with someone, what I realise is some of us are waiting to be chosen.
